It's been a few weeks since I've posted anything written. It's not that I haven't tried or had anything to write about but I've been in an emotional funk & just haven't been able to finish anything without having an emotional breakdown. Since my sister is experiencing the same emotions I'm going to assume it's normal for this stage in grieving.
I thought once we got through the holidays things would ease up emotionally but January brought Donna & her dad's birthdays, their birthday gathering last year was the last time I spent with my dad outside of a hospital. February brought the anniversary of when he was first hospitalized & the last time I saw my dad conscious. Next month on the 8th it will be one year since we let him go.
It doesn't feel like it could possibly have been a year already. Birthdays, holidays & special occasions of the past year are all a blur. It doesn't seem like we could have spent & celebrated all of those occasions without him but according to the calendar, I guess we have.
I still cannot utter the words out loud that my dad is gone. I had an appointment with a new doctor to get my prescription refilled & when she asked why o took them, my throat just closed up & the tears fell. I sort of knew that would be my reaction since that is what has happened all along, so i had a note saved in my phone explaining the circumstances. I must have startled her because she gave me 11 refills, I guess she doesn't want to have to ask again for a while, lol...
I'm not just sitting at home in a puddle of my own tears though. We are living life, settling in, moving forward & growing.
Donna is accustomed to her new commute already, although we haven't mastered the art of lunch packing quite yet, lol. She's loving having projects to work on around the house & is constantly thinking about building something for this & something for that :)
The boys & I have joined the YMCA. I so wish we would have had one close to us all this time because it is amazing! I knew a little mommy (workout) time would be good for me but the Y staff take it very seriously! Drop your kids & go, if the boys (one in particular) are having a hard time with it, they take care of it. I was escorted out of the playroom while someone else distracted him, haha. The trainer told me, if you have a rough morning & you don't want to workout, drop the kids in childcare & go sit by the pool or in the lobby & read, have a cup of coffee, chill out. I originally thought that would look so bad but they really mean it & I've seen a mom or 2 on bad days do exactly that. I haven't yet because working out honestly makes me feel better than sitting it out and we've got a beach house reserved in May, I would really prefer to be comfortable & not self conscious in my bathing suit this year.
The boys are awesome! Caden & Kellan are currently not going to speech therapy. We were trecking back to Brunswick for therapy every week. Garren was discharged so he was just spending an hour waiting on his brothers. Caden had become extremely bored with therapy & was refusing to go, before this he was meeting his goals & Kellan was meeting his goals also so instead of forcing the issue I decided to give them a break. Their articulation is age appropriate & they are talking which was the original obstacle we were having. They still have a little work to do with language skills but I felt like they would get better with those skills by being around, participating & interacting with other kids & people. All they were doing in therapy was flash card work, I completely understand why they were bored! So we fill our weeks with time at the Y, storytime & arts/crafts at the libraries, playgroup, events at the museums, zoo, lighthouse or anywhere else something fun comes up. I'm not opposed to them going back into speech therapy at some point but I'm thinking that I will see what their new pediatrician thinks at their next well check & let him make the referral.
So there is my excuse & brief update & I will get caught up with all of our goings on soon :)